~ EPILOG ~
It’s the story of my 7 years marriage with my Pakistani man, Ihsan. I never believed that I would get through this situation, if Allah didn’t give me unlimited strength I would no longer exist in this world. If you expect you will get a happy story by reading this, I’m sorry that my story will let you down, but if you are willing to read my story, I hope my remarkable experiences will bring many positive things for you and can be a good lesson for anyone who reads this. My experiences are precious, no matter how hard it was, I will always be grateful to Allah because it makes me stronger and be a wiser person than before.
I will start my story by telling you how I met my Pakistani man. I met Ihsan in Qatar, I have relatives who live in Qatar and I went there for holiday. In short, after 1 year of my relationship with Ihsan and I visited him regularly, we decided to jump into marriage. Ihsan was a lovely – romantic Pakistani man, he was my perfect Romeo, even until now I still think that Ihsan is the most romantic man whom I have ever met. He treated me like his princess, I never paid for my own expenses while being with him, he gave me the best gifts that he could afford, and for me, those gifts were beautiful and costly.
Whenever he got his pay, he always asked me :
“Mueza, what kind of gift do you want?”
Usually, I always rejected his offer but he insisted, even he sent the gifts from Qatar to Indonesia. Ihsan is the eldest son. He always said to me that as the first son he has a huge responsibility, especially his father in Pakistan already old and couldn’t work anymore. He told me that his father owns a high-end infamous clothing store in Islamabad. He always said that Pakistan was a beautiful city and when I came to Pakistan I would fall in love with that beautiful country straight away, he said that when I came there, the locals would treat me like a princess. I told my mother that I wanted to marry Ihsan, she had no objection to my decision because she saw Ihsan was a nice person and educated man. Ihsan always told my family that he would take care of me with his life because I was an amazing woman and he loved me so much. Ihsan introduced me to all of his family members. They seemed like nice people and they were so happy to have white skin foreign daughter in law in their family.
Ihsan wanted to get married in Qatar, but my family objected to his decision and wanted me to get married in Indonesia. At that time, bringing a Pakistani to Indonesia just the same as a torture. It was extremely difficult and I had to attend so many trials with a lot of questions. Alhamdulliah, my process was faster than the other applicant due to I have the record on my passport that I have met Ihsan in person for few times in Qatar. I have heard many unsuccessful stories about bringing a Pakistani to Indonesia and some of the girls got fraud by irresponsible parties for the visa application.
Before we moved to Qatar, Ihsan and I traveled to Pakistan to meet his family. The family threw a wedding function in Rawalpindi for Ihsan and me. I used to work before I married Ihsan, so I have my saving in my bank account, I gave my savings money to Ihsan’s family to help them paying our wedding expenses in Pakistan but they refused the money. They welcomed me into their house, but I never expected that Ihsan’s family house was smaller than my own house in Indonesia. Please, don’t think that I’m a gold digger, it’s because Ihsan told me that his father owns a high-end boutique and he said his family members have a good economy and life in Pakistan, he said they were educated. He also said to me that the family lives separately but it turned out they live together in 1 house that has 3 levels. The parents live on the first floor and the rest of the family members live upstairs. They only have 1 kitchen, 2 bathrooms, and 3 bedrooms for 9 people. This fact really shocked me out actually, but I always kept telling myself that I would not live in his parent’s house because I would follow him to Qatar. Anyway, overall Pakistan was not that bad. During my stay in Pakistan, Ihsan took me to visit some places including Lahore.
I fell in love with that city.
I love Lahori food, and it’s true when many people say that
Lahore has the best cuisine in Pakistan.
~ PAKISTAN ~
My life in Qatar was wonderful. I knew that Ihsan always sent his salary to his family in Pakistan but it never been a big problem for me because he always took care of me. He always said to me that I was his responsibility and he would afford my needs. When I got pregnant, my mother asked me to come back to Indonesia because she wanted to take care of my baby. It was her first grandchild, therefore; she was so excited. Ihsan was a very understanding person and he agreed with the idea of giving birth to our son in Indonesia. There is no marriage without issues, and my marriage with Ihsan also had some issues and sometimes we had disagreements and we fought, however, we always solved the problem.
When Ihsan work’s contract ended, we decided to come back to Indonesia because living expenses in Qatar were upscale. After few months, Ihsan got a job in Indonesia, the salary was less than his salary in Qatar but still better than being unemployed. One day, Ihsan got a call from his family in Pakistan that his father passed away, and he needed to come back to Pakistan. It literally means that we needed to move back to Pakistan because his mother and his family need him. It was a very difficult situation for me and my family because my family never agreed with the idea to live in Pakistan. Moreover, I would bring my 2 infant kids to live there.
I also got some warnings from my friends
who have lived in Pakistan.
They always warned me to not go there
because it would not be a good option.
However, I know that Ihsan’s family needs him, he is the eldest son, and as a good wife, I had to accompany him. I believed nothing bad would happen because so far, Ihsan and his family were kind to me and I was sure they would take care of me in Pakistan. Finally, my family got an agreement but the kids needed to stay in Indonesia until my condition in Pakistan got settled.
Many things have happened in Pakistan since my last visit. The house had more space because Ihsan’s second brother moved to Karachi with his wife. His sister already got married and her husband brought her to London. Only his mother and his 2 young brothers left in the house. My mother in law is a quiet woman. She isn’t talkative and she doesn’t speak English. She always asked me to learn Urdu and Punjabi, actually, I never had the intention to learn Urdu seriously but I realized that I had to learn, so I could communicate with my mother in law easily. As time passed by, I noticed the behavior of my mother in law changed. She never nagged at me but she always put her grumpy face in front of me and I knew she talked about me behind. It hurt me a lot but I always reminded myself that she was older than me, she was my mother in law and I needed to be more patient.
I didn’t have anything much to do in Pakistan as a housewife besides the house duty things and cooking for myself. I don’t really like Pakistani food, so I preferred cooking my own meal. Ihsan family is the same like other Pakistani families in Pakistan, they like eating a fresh meal. So, after dinner, nothing left to be saved for tomorrow. I have a habit to wake up in the morning but most Pakistanis will wake up at 10 in the morning. They will have breakfast from around 10 am to 12 pm. The instant noodle that I brought from Indonesia really saved my hunger.
Rawalpindi is a big city and close to Pakistan’s capital city, Islamabad. They always say that Rawalpindi is a twin sister of Islamabad, but I can say that Rawalpindi is the slum face of Islamabad.
Many high class people live
in Islamabad
but
many middle class to low class people live
in Rawalpindi.
Many Pakistani women asked me, why I have a slim body after giving birth to 2 kids. Most of them will get bigger and bigger after they get pregnant. I always said to them it was gen of Indonesian, I didn’t say that it was because of their eating and working out a habit, though I wanted to say it so. Pakistani will have dinner very late around 9 to 10 pm, they drink tea with milk, eat a lot of oily foods and don’t work out. The women prefer praying at home too, even in Eid celebration they pray Eid at home. I think it’s because most mosques in Pakistan don’t provide prayer places for women.
Ihsan taught me many things about Pakistan, and how to behave with Pakistani. Sometimes, he would ask me to wear a niqab for my safety. Once, when we were on the bus, a man touched my chest and butt. I thought it was accidentally because the bus was so crowded but these Pakistani men didn’t think like that, he took it for different purposes. Ihsan was mad and schooled that man. Since then, he asked me to stay away from Pakistani men and never let them touch me even for handshaking.
~ SURVIVAL ~
I still remembered it was in the evening when I served dinner to all family members. I couldn’t cook Pakistani food but I always tried to help my mother in law in the kitchen whenever she cooked, she always rejected my help, so I would wash the dirty dishes after she cooked and helped her to serve the food for all family members. I admitted that I wasn’t in the good mood, I was sick with the ambiance in the house and I missed my kids so badly, I got homesick. And this became a trigger for Ihsan to scold me and beat me in front of his brothers and mother. He called me a slut and useless wife, he said marrying me was a mistake for him. I couldn’t cook, didn’t make money for the family and I even served his dinner in a rude way. Ihsan never beat me and called me with a nasty name before, I was shocked and petrified. It made me speechless. I couldn’t say a single word, the only thing that I could do was crying. I was embarrassed because Ihsan treated me like that in front of his family. He didn’t stop there, there were no more sweet words that came out of his mouth, his tongue became as sharp as a blade. Not only saying nasty things about me, but he also brought up my mother and my family in Indonesia. I couldn’t handle my anger anymore, it just blew up straight away, I ran to him and tried to push him and beat him back.
“Who dare you said like that about my family!” I yelled.
Ihsan avoided my punch and pushed me back until I fell to the floor, he went to our room, took my clothes and threw it in front of my face, and said :
“Bhenchod! (Fuck you!)
Get out from my house, bitch!”
That night, I left the house. I was crying on the street and I didn’t know where to go. I was mad at Ihsan and I know he hurt me a lot but deep in my heart, I was hoping that Ihsan would call me back and brought me to the house. I kept looking back to find Ihsan’s figure but he never showed up. I remembered that I know an Indonesian lady who married a Pakistani too and we met in Qatar. I didn’t have enough credit to call her because the international call was not cheap. I texted her instead and hoped that she would reply to my message. I thanked Allah for all His blessings, after few minutes she replied to my message, she suggested me to go to the Indonesian embassy in Islamabad and gave me the number of the embassy officer.
It’s 1 hour by road from Rawalpindi to Islamabad. I was completely a foreigner and I didn’t know what to do, I called the contact person from the Indonesian embassy that I had just gotten. I was so fortunate. The officer picked my call. I talked to him about my condition while crying and he said to me that he would help me and I had to go to the Indonesian embassy in Islamabad, they had a shelter there and they would help me if I wanted to come back to Indonesia. I was so miserable and absolutely looked like a crazy homeless woman.
I even didn’t know if I had enough money to go to Islamabad or not,
but my brain couldn’t work properly and I had no choice.
I took the risk to go to Islamabad with all pennies that I had.
Maybe you will think that as a foreigner, I should have a savings in my account when I decided to move to Pakistan. Yes, I used to have that money, but since we came back to Pakistan, Ihsan hadn’t gotten any job, he asked me to give him my saving and he said it was a loan. He would pay it back to me. I gave him $ 3.000 already.
On the way to the bus station, I got a call from Ihsan. I was supposed to not pick up his call as everything that he had done to me, but I loved him and I know Ihsan as a good-romantic man, I still believed that he could change to be a better husband (again). Ihsan asked me where I was, and he sounded like he was crying. He apologized to me and asked me to come back. He said that he was stressed because he didn’t have a job and the mother always questioning why I didn’t bring Jahez (Pakistani dowry). I told Ihsan that I gave him $ 3.000 already, and I was so offended if my mother in law still asked about my Jahez. He was begging me to forgive him and forget what had just happened.
“I’m sorry, should I kiss your feet so you can forgive me?
There is no man in Pakistan who are willing to kiss his wife’s feet
but I will do that for you.”
When he said that my heart melted and I agreed to come back and forget everything. Ihsan kept his words and he showed me his good behavior. He defended me in front of his mother. I told him that we should move to a bigger city than Rawalpindi, he could find his opportunity there and of course, I wanted to have more healthy circumstances as in the house, Ihsan and his mother always had arguments. He agreed and we moved out to Lahore. Finally, Ihsan got a job in Lahore but he didn’t satisfy with the salary. Our economic condition made me depressed. Since moving out to Pakistan, Ihsan always lacks money. He didn’t earn as much as in Qatar but his money flowed away like water. Many friends borrowed his money but they never paid it back and his family lifestyle was insane. I was willing to eat vegetables and roti for few days as long as Ihsan got his meat and chai tea, so we could save more money, but his mother spent her money pocket that she got from Ihsan to buy clothes and unnecessary things. Whenever she ran out the money, she called Ihsan to send her more money. I felt like I was competing with my mother in law to win Ihsan’s heart and money.
It had been a week Ihsan demanded more loans from me, and I told him that I didn’t have money left. He asked me to ask for money from my parents and it pissed me off. I brought his father's high-end boutique business up, and whenever I asked about it, Ihsan got mad and left. Later on, I found out from Ihsan’s cousin that the high-end clothing store belongs to Ihsan’s uncle. Ihsan’s father only helped his brother to take care of the store and he got paid for doing it and when I checked the store, it wasn’t a high-end store according to high-end store standards. Of course, it made me upset not because I found out that Ihsan was not as rich as I thought but why he lied to me and pretended to be a high class.
After almost a year we stayed in Lahore, Ihsan told me that he wanted to move to Karachi. One of his friends offered him a better job in Karachi. I was not sure about his idea because I heard that Ihsan’s mother already moved out to Karachi following her second son. The house in Rawalpindi turned out to be a family house and Ihsan’s uncles agreed to sell that house. Ihsan assured me that we would stay in his brother’s house until we find a new place and it would not be long just a couple of months.
I agreed and
it was my biggest false decision.
I know Abbas, Ihsan’s second brother as a good man. He married his wife, Khawla by love marriage and Khawla is a runaway bride. She never visited her family. She said to me that she was afraid of her family because her family could do honor killings to her as many have happened in Pakistan. Khawla speaks a little bit of English, I tried my best to talk to Khawla in Urdu but my Urdu was not perfect, but she could understand everything I said. She is a beautiful woman and has white skin. She was nice to me and became my friend when I stayed in Karachi. She taught me how to cook Pakistani dishes and I have learned a lot from her. Since then, I cooked all Pakistani food for Ihsan, before that, when we lived in Lahore and Qatar, Ihsan always cooked his own Pakistani food because I was not a good cook.
My mother in law was still the same person as the last time I met her. One day, I had an argument with her because she talked bad things about me very loud on the phone with her sister. She said that I was a bad daughter in law and because of me, her son didn’t respect her anymore. I was the one who was evil and wanted to own her son for myself. She thought that as a foreigner, I would bring opportunity for her family but I brought misery instead. Maybe she thought I didn’t understand Urdu or maybe she did it deliberately for a purpose, but I lost my patience and started confronting her. I never expected Ihsan would defend me because I understood that she is his mother. But that day, Ihsan agreed to move out from that house next month.
I didn’t have much time with Ihsan when we lived in Karachi as much as when we lived in Lahore. He has many friends in Karachi and he always hung out with his friend or with his brothers. I didn’t know from where I got the feeling, but I felt anxiety about my relationship with Ihsan. I always wondered what Ihsan doing outside the house with his brothers and friends. When he took a shower after returned from his work, I checked his mobile secretly. When I read his cell phone, my heart was beating very fast and I felt my chest was tight. I was full of emotions, anger, sad and I was so upset. I tried my best to not crying but my tears started dropping. When Ihsan finished his shower, I asked him about the chat that he had with some Filipino girls.
He didn’t answer my question, he grabbed his phone and checked what I have seen. I couldn’t control myself anymore and I started crying so hard. I said to him that he cheated on me and I didn’t deserve that, then he said to me :
“I'm a man, so I can do whatever I want!”
My instinct told me to shut my mouth and leave Pakistan the next day, but my anger defeated me and I fought Ihsan back with another word and we had mouth fighting. It was not a good idea to fight him back because what I got next was terrible. He pushed me until I hit the wall, my mouth was bleeding. After that, he choked my neck until I couldn’t breathe.
I thought I would die at that time
but Abbas came to my room and saved me from his oldest brother.
“Bhai, Kya hua? Tum usay mar saktay ho.” (Brother, what happened? you can kill her)
“Ager wo Pakistani hoti, to wo mar chuki hoti!“ (If she was a Pakistani, she would have died!)
"Relax Bhai, relax!"
Ihsan calmed himself down and everything back to normal as nothing happened. I didn’t come out of my room that night and I slept on the floor because I didn’t want to sleep with Ihsan on the same bed. In the morning, Ihsan brought me breakfast and he tried to feed me because he knew that I hadn’t eaten anything since last night.
Ihsan made some funny jokes for me to make me smile because I looked so gloomy since that night, it wasn’t easy to leave Ihsan because I have 2 kids with him and whenever he became a nice guy, I would fall in love with him again. I had a big hope that I could change him and he would be a better person. I always thought that I couldn’t leave Ihsan because he needed me. I think, I was so stupid or maybe I was the weakest hearted person in the world.
I felt empty inside, I didn’t think that I was worth it anymore and I really wanted to turn back the time. I always imagined that I came back to Indonesia, met my kids, and have a good life. Whenever I saw myself in the mirror, I didn’t like myself anymore, I felt like I wasted my time, I would have done many things in my age if I didn’t get stuck in Pakistan and I would be successful in my life like my other friends. If I didn’t remember my kids in Indonesia, I would have committed suicide a long time ago.
I got the number of a Pakistani lawyer from my old Pakistani friend. I had been contacting him privately to ask about my situation, and what would happen if I decided to separate from my husband. I wanted to make sure that my children would be safe. He said that the fact that I have registered my marriage in Indonesia became my advantage, especially if I took the divorce process in Indonesia.
When Ihsan left for work, I told to the people in the house that I wanted to go to the market for some groceries and as usual, they would not let me leave the house alone because it wasn’t safe but I insisted and I said to them that I would put my niqab on. I also said to them that I would not go too far just around the neighborhood area. I still remembered that I brought a medium handbag with a passport, some money, and 2 clothes for change inside my bag. They didn’t let me go alone, so Abbas asked his youngest brother, Talha to drop me at the market by motorbike.
When Talha was looking for parking space next to the market,
I got off myself from the motorbike
and run toward the crowd.
After I found a rickshaw, I jumped in and told the driver that I wanted to go to the bus station. My phone ringing several times, Talha called me. I didn’t pick the call until the call ended by itself. I called again the embassy officer whom I called before. Actually, he didn’t sound happy when I called, I think because I bothered him asking for help but I decided to go back with my husband and stayed in Pakistan. However, he promised me that he would send people to pick me up from Karachi and bring me to Indonesia’s embassy in Islamabad. The embassy couldn’t send somebody to pick me up at that time, and they suggested me to make a report in the police station for domestic violence that I got. He said I need that report to file my divorce papers. He gave me the address and contact person of Indonesia’s consulate in Karachi too. I told the driver to change the direction. I turned my phone off to save my battery and to avoid the call from Ihsan. I was worried when they found me, they might kill me because I ran away.
The police officer didn’t take my story seriously, they were doing my report like watching Indian drama on TV, apparently, they got bored hearing my domestic violence story. I was offended by how they acted but I couldn’t do much. After getting my report, I continued my journey to Indonesia’s consulate in Karachi but I realized that I ran out of my money. I knew that I didn’t have much money and I was broke, but the thing that always came to my mind that I wanted to come back to Indonesia.
I loved Ihsan very much but since that night,
I never felt safe anymore, I could die in Pakistan anytime.
I tried to stop some cars and motorbikes. I couldn’t think anything unless hitchhiking. A man with a motorbike stopped by. I asked him a favor and told him about my situation, luckily he was willing to help me. He dropped me at the consulate of Indonesia in Karachi and said to me that it wasn’t safe for me to ask for help from strangers in Karachi. I could be kidnapped and they would sell me. He was a nice man and I thanked him a lot. He gave me his number and he said to me that he would be there if I needed more help.
~ LOVE ~
I stayed in the embassy’s shelter for a month. They moved me from Karachi to Islamabad, they took my passport and my cellphone. They said to me I should be more careful because they have plenty of cases like mine. The officer said that domestic violence case in Pakistan was very high, around 70-90% of women in Pakistan got domestic violence and some Indonesian women have been to the embassy with the same case—domestic violence. They anticipated if I ran away from the embassy, so they took my passport. The embassy had called my family in Indonesia, and they would send me back to my country after the documents completed. I felt safe in the shelter but I also felt so lonely and sad. I asked permission to take my cell phone because I wanted to talk with my husband for the last time before I return to Indonesia.
Ihsan was happy to get my call,
he was so worried and he said he would pick me up.
My heart hurt when I heard his voice. I wanted everything to get better, and my hope was always there. He was crying, he said he missed me so much and he couldn’t live without me. He told me that he lost his job because the business collapsed and his friends never paid their loans back. Despite Ihsan have done terrible things to me, I agreed to come back to him because I loved him and I always hoped that he would change. I said to the embassy that I wanted to reunite with my husband, they were shocked and told me it wasn’t a good idea. They didn’t give me permission to leave. Without permission from the embassy, I decided to go with Ihsan. Ihsan picked me up and I escaped from the shelter.
When I returned to Abbas’s house in Karachi the atmosphere was worse than before I left. Khawla acted against me, she even told to her husband that I should leave their house. She didn’t want me to stay in their house anymore. Ihsan looked for a new place while I was looking for a job. I applied to the Edu foundation and many other places that would accept English speakers but they didn’t want to hire a woman. I lost my hope of getting a job in Pakistan. I never ever imagined in my life that I would be broke in Pakistan. All women, when they fall in love with Pakistani man will imagine they will get a good life with their Pakistani man, they will be wearing Shalwar Kameez or lahenga with Pakistani jewelry and have a happy married life in Pakistan. I used to have the same dream too, but my condition in Pakistan definitely crushed my dream.
Ihsan and I decided to move back to Lahore. His friend in Lahore offered him a cheap place and he didn’t have to pay the rent upfront. Our life in Lahore didn’t get better. Ihsan still didn’t get a job in Lahore, furthermore, one of his friends whom I thought was a good man, he stabbed me from my back. He told Ihsan that I was a bad woman and cheated on him. It hurt my feeling and Ihsan also got insulted, Ihsan slapped his friend in public. We had big arguments before other friends took that man away from our sights. The incident didn't stop there. The lawyer whom I called to ask about my situation turned out to be a predator. He contacted Ihsan asking fee for my consultation. I didn’t know if I was charged for the consultation as my old Pakistani friend said to me it was free. Many things that happened to me have opened my eyes that I had been surrounded by two-faced people.
I was tired mentally. I couldn’t describe really well what I felt but I knew, it was desperate. Ihsan never beat me since I came back to him, but I didn’t feel happier. I expected he could be a good figure during our hard times, but he let me down. I was alone and I lost my hope for our future. After two months of living in Lahore without any job. Ihsan asked me to come back to Indonesia. He said my life will be better if I returned; he couldn’t afford the family expenses anymore. It made me so upset but somehow, I relived it.
My little heart always whispered to me that I should come back to Indonesia,
but my "Love" made me stay because I couldn’t leave Ihsan alone.
I agree, love is blind.
I hold myself to call Ihsan during my stay in the embassy. I knew that I had to return to my country but if I called Ihsan, I might end up back to him again. Indonesia’s embassy gave me the flight ticket to Indonesia and returned my passport. The process was so much faster, maybe because they didn’t want me to run away again from the shelter like before. I stayed with them for 3 weeks before they flew me to my home country. The immigration border asked me about my expired Pakistani visa. Since I broke, I didn’t renew my visa, but the immigration let me pass after the embassy said to them that I was a victim of domestic violence.
I called Ihsan before my flight. I was shaking and crying when I heard his voice. He didn’t sound happy, he was mourned. Ihsan asked me to not shutting the call until my cellphone lost the connection by itself. We kept talking until I lost the connection and I couldn’t hear his voice anymore. I kept crying on the plane before I fell asleep.
~ THALAQ ~
I started building again my hope in Indonesia. Living with my wonderful children and surrounding them with my family brought back my strength. I could use my brain to think rationally and clearly anymore. Being separated from Ihsan never been easy for me but I felt more alive. Before that, I was a living skeleton without a soul. I didn’t think about love anymore, the future of my children became my priority. I loved Ihsan but I have to be more realistic. At that point, I realized that I never ever could force people to change. I would waste my time only waiting for someone to change.
We always expect the good things will happen in marriage,
but we can’t predict what will happen in the future.
The dream is so beautiful
but the reality is not always sweet.
I had to wake up from my dream and faced the reality.
I process my divorce in Indonesia after I got thalaq (divorce by sharia/Islamic law) letter from Ihsan. The process was faster than I expected. Ihsan didn’t have to attend the trials and I didn’t have to bring witnesses from Pakistan. The police report that I made in Pakistan really helped the divorce process and for getting child custody. I also got advantages from registering my marriage in Indonesia because I could process my divorce in Indonesia, so the divorce sentence followed Indonesia’s law. Otherwise, I had to return my child to Ihsan when they turned 12 years old or whenever I re-married again according to Pakistani's law.
I’m hoping many women can learn from my experience. I know many people (or maybe you) will say that there are bad and good men in this world and I wasn’t lucky so I got the bad one. I never think that my experience is a misfortune, I was lucky to experience such a remarkable experience of life like what I had. And based on my life experience that I have been through, we never know that we will get the “bad one” before we see their real faces. The Japanese proverb says that people have 3 faces.
The face that they show to the world,
the face that they show to their close friends and family,
and the face that they hide only for themselves — and one day, it can show up to the surface.
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