How the System Works
The person who is in charge in the house is "The Mother" and most of Pakistani men are attached to their mothers. Consequently, the Pakistani men will go with what their mothers say rather than what their wives say. This is actually comes from Indian South Asia Culture, but due to Pakistan is a Muslim country, the society will say "It's Islamic teaching that the heaven lies on the mother's feet." The bless from the mother is also important for the children. Choosing the prefect wife for the sons is also the mother's job. Sometimes the mother will ask help to her sisters to get the perfect candidate for her sons.
The Father. He has responsibility to take care of the whole family, specially to keep the family's good reputation in Pakistani society. The father will make big decision in family and also gets involved in society. Even though the children are more closer to their mothers but most of them also afraid of their fathers and will follow what he says.
The Son. Every son has important role in Pakistani and Indian family, the parents will rely on their sons for their future. The future of the family on the son's hands. That's why having a son it's very important in Pakistani and Indian family. If the son abandons the family for any girls or for his own thing, it will bring disgrace towards family's reputation. Bad reputation will effect the daughters in the family, in some cases the daughters won't get marriage proposal or it's so difficult to get. Therefore, sticking the sons to the family and keeping the family's good reputation are extremely important and became their main concern. Mostly the eldest son will have more responsibilities towards the family, because he will be the one who is in charge when the parents passed away but if he is not able to take care of the family due to poverty, mental or physical illness and any other reasons, then the other sons will take over the duties and responsibilities.
The Daughter. Female doesn't have the responsibility to the family as much as male. After the marriage, the daughter will have responsibility towards her husband's family. In some conservative families, the family won't take the daughter back if she has problem with her husband's family. In Pakistani society, the husband's family is the first priority of the wife, the daughter belongs to her husband's family.
"Female family member is a symbol of family pride,
if the daughter brings dishonor to the family,
it will bring huge damage for the family reputation."
Pakistani society still thinks that the good family is able to teach their women how to act. Sometimes, the family will do "Honor Killing" to bring the family's reputation back and the number of honor killing is increasing in Pakistan, which is very sad story. Most daughters in Pakistani family also don't have freedom as much as the sons, including the marriage, most of the marriages are arranged by the family. In some cases, the family will let the son to marry the outsiders or the girl who comes from different caste and clan but the family won't let the daughter does the same thing. Pakistani family will make sure the daughter will get a good husband and they will prepare dowry/jahez for her wedding.
Pakistani Man's Responsibilities
Every Pakistani man has responsibility towards his family. The responsibilities are :
Taking care of the family members ( money and attention)
Follow family's rule and decision
If the wife doesn't want to take care of her husband’s family or pull the son away from his family, then mostly the Pakistani family will ask the son to divorce the wife or take a second wife. We can say "Wife Replacement". This also happens when the mother doesn't bless the marriage. So, never think to do run--marriage with Pakistani man if the mother doesn't give the son permission to marry you.
Family Bond
Due to Pakistani and Indian have Joint family system, so "blood" is very important. In most Pakistani and Indian families, the daughter in law is only a daughter in law because she has no blood bond with the husband's family and having their own baby is also very important for them.
Then, what will happen if the couple can't have their own baby?
What mostly have happened in Pakistan for arrange marriage couple, the couple will take their nephew/niece as their own son or daughter since baby, and the daughter in law who gives a birth (niece/nephew’s mother), she has to give her own baby to them. In our community we have same cases when the foreign wives had to give their own babies to their sisters in law because they cannot have their own.
Getting the family's bless for the marriage is crucial thing and it will effect the bride's future and place in family. So many not blessed daughter in law will get hard time in her marriage life, and the family members won't support her. In some cases, the mother even asked the son to take a second wife by the mother's choice or to divorce the not blessed wife.
Pakistani Joint Family
Living in joint family where the married sons still live with their parents is very common in Pakistan and India. Very less families live separately. Even we still can find some Pakistanis and Indians family live in big joint family, when the 3 generations still live together beneath one roof.
The family members who live in one house :
Pakistani Parents and Pakistani grandparents
Sons
Son's wives and their kids
Unmarried daughters
If the Pakistani family is rich and has big house, the family will have enough room and privacy for all the family members but if the family has no room left, then the couple will get one room for them and for their kids. In some cases, the family members will sleep together in one room due to the house is too small for them.
The House Duty System in Pakistani Joint Family
1. Pakistani family with servants
The servants will do house duty (cleaning) and the Mother sometimes cooks.
2. Pakistani family without servants
All house duty will done by daughter in laws and the mother cooks. If the Mother already old, then the daughters in law will clean the house and cook.
Money Flow System in Pakistani Joint Family
1. Rich family
Mostly, the Mother will not ask the salary of her sons. So, The sons can give the salary to their wives for her allowance or money pocket, but whenever the family members need money, the sons will give it to them.
2. Middle class family
There are two cases, which mostly happen :
First case -- the husband will give 30 - 70% to his mother and the rest will be given to the wife for her money pocket and for his own needs.
Second case -- the mother doesn't ask the son's salary, but sometimes the son give it to the mother around 10 - 50% of his income.
Most of the time for middle class family, the husband doesn't give his wife monthly allowance or enough money pocket to buy many things, so she needs to ask to her mother in law or her husband if she wants to buy things. There are some wives from middle class family who ask for some money pocket and their husbands are willing to give it some, but some wives don't get the money pocket too.
3. Low middle class and poor family
All the of the salary will go to the mother, and sometimes the son will keep some for his own thing. Many wives from low middle class and poor family don't get allowance and money pocket from the husband, the family only gives her food and clothes. If the condition of the family is extremely poor and the men don't work or they work but earn very less, the wife needs to work too to feed her husband's family and pay the bills.
Gift is one of the biggest expenses in Pakistani family. For western, if the cousin ask brand new iPhone as souvenir, it will be too demanding, but it's not for Pakistani. The sister in law asks new branded bag, the brother asks PS 4, those requests will be on the list. In Indian and Pakistani traditional wedding culture, besides dowry/jahez, the bride needs to give gifts to all groom's family member before the wedding.
If you live separately or in different country, the money flow to the Pakistani family is still exist. Whenever the family needs the money, the sons will try his best to provide it, especially if he is a breadwinner.
"Many Pakistani men don't let the wife to manage finance in a marriage,
he will manage by himself and give most of his salary to his mother or his unmarried sister to manage the family household expenses."
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