I am married to a Pakistani man for almost 12 years. Everything is okay in the beginning until I found out the bitter fact a year ago. My husband has another wife and child in Pakistan. It’s heartbreaking for me, but I can’t do anything as I already been too dependent on him. He gives me food, shelter, clothes, and a money pocket. We have three children who need to be feed and to be paid for their school tuition. I have no job; I’m a pure housewife since my second child was born.
I’m an American and I converted to Islam by marriage. We got married in Pakistan; the family was so welcome and accepted me easily. I fell in love with Pakistani hospitality and landscape when the first time I came, but I know, living in Pakistan is not for me. I will not give up my welfare life in the USA. We have better healthcare, better salary and of course education for my future children. Therefore, I decided to live in the USA and bring him with me. My husband is not coming from a rich family; he is a low middle class family. Nevertheless, he is a hard working man when most of the Pakistani whom I have seen so far are lazy.
I can’t say that my marriage with him is full of happiness. I had a very hard time too, especially in the second year of marriage. My husband became very dominant, and sometimes I got verbal abuse. He called me “Bitch or Whore” whenever we had a fight. When I fought back by arguments and harsh words, he would slap me. Nevertheless, after the terrible fighting, he always apologized and promised me that he would never do that again to me.
"After 4 years of marriage, I can adjust myself better.
We have less argument and disagreements,
but I have to sacrifice many things—I have no control."
I try to compromise so many things to avoid the argument. Some of my friends said that I was stupid but they didn’t understand what I felt. I’m so attached to my husband; I just can’t leave him easily. I feel secure financially and he overwhelms me with love. I just can’t step up from my comfort zone. I know my marriage life is hard but leaving my husband is harder.
Honestly, my hope for my wedding broke when I knew that my husband has another wife in Pakistan. How could he has another wife when he has been living with me for more than 10 years and even we have three children? I couldn’t think clearly, I was so upset and was devastated. I was raging toward him, but I couldn’t do anything. My trust in him just blew away, my respect for his Pakistani family completely gone. For me, they are just fake people. Everything that my friends said to warn me about his green card intention and Pakistani culture, came into my head. I was so blind, so I couldn’t see all the red signs and the advice from my friends.
Sometimes, I visited Pakistan with my children and husband but I never knew that there are another wife and children in Pakistan. I don’t know exactly when my husband took the second Pakistani wife, but indeed, he visited Pakistan several times without me for family purposes. He visited Pakistan alone when his mother was ill, then when his first cousin got married, when his Pakistani friend invited him to come to talk about future business and many more, I don’t know which one is the true reason. He could marry that Pakistani woman when he said to me when his mother was ill or when his friend invited him. Maybe, he could marry that Pakistani woman after he married me, when I came back to my country to take care of his visa. I have no idea and I can’t trust what my husband and his family say anymore.
If I didn’t have an Indian couple friend, maybe I never knew about this. I don’t know which one is better, to know about this fact or not. However, I know no matter you are good at keeping the lies, one day it will come out to the surface by itself. It’s only about time.
Actually, I had been curious about his phone. He got so many calls from Pakistan frequently. I know he made friends with some Pakistani in the USA, but he doesn’t have too many friends. They very often call each other and have a long conversation on the phone, but there were some other times, when he took the call privately.
The Indian couple is my friend. I had talked about this before to the Indian wife and she told about my suspicion to her husband. Later on, she said to me to check if my husband has another girl in Pakistan. Of course, I asked my Pakistani sister in law about this and she said there was no second wife or girlfriend in Pakistan. I trusted her. Unfortunately, she couldn’t keep this for herself; she told my husband that I was asking about another woman in Pakistan. I never tell my husband that the idea of a second wife or another girl came from my Indian friend when he asked me about this, as I know Indian and Pakistan are nemeses. They have a lot of issues although they try to be nice to each other when they meet in person.
We had a BBQ party at my house for celebrating Eid. I invited my Indian couple too because they are Indian Muslims. My husband doesn’t like it if I mingle with his male friends, so we arranged a separate place for female and male guests. I didn’t send so many invitations to my female friends; I only invited the Indian couple because my husband doesn’t feel comfortable being around white or Arab. He prefers being with Pakistani or Indian.
When my husband was busy grilling in the backyard with his friends, his cell phone rang few times. He left his phone in our room. I was supposed to give him his cell phone, but at that time, I asked my Indian friend’s husband favor to answer it instead. She called her husband to go inside the house to answer the call and he got the answer from a woman who talked in Urdu. This Pakistani woman talked really fast, sounded like complaining about few things. I assumed, she thought the person who picked up the phone and said “Jii” (Ya) to her was my husband. She mentioned that the son was sick and needed to stay in hospital. My hands trembled and felt languid, but I grabbed the phone and tried to talk with that Pakistani woman. I can’t speak Urdu very well but I can understand Urdu and I speak a little bit of Urdu. When she heard a female voice, she asked who I was. I didn’t answer her question, but I tried to confirm her status. She didn’t deny that she is my husband’s wife when I asked her. I asked her again if she knows that, my husband also has a wife in the USA and she said she didn’t know about it.
"The Pakistani woman gave me information that
she has been married for more than 10 years with my husband and
she is still my husband’s relatives."
I think, maybe she is a second or third cousin of my husband. Based on what this Pakistani woman said to me, I found out that my husband has three children in Pakistan, 2 sons, and 1 daughter. They are 10, 8, and 5 years old. I don’t know if this is true or not. If it’s true, then it means my husband has his first child from her Pakistani wife because my children are younger than her eldest child is. Came to know about this, it made really down. I even didn’t know who the first wife was. When I asked my husband about this, he said that I am the first wife and he gave me so many excuses for his second marriage. He was trying to put the mistake on his Pakistani culture. It confused me a lot.
After the second marriage revealed, my marriage life is getting terrible day by day. The Pakistani wife asks more from my husband and she uses her two sons as the reason. The Pakistani family is on her side because she gave them two sons and she takes care of the Pakistani family as well. My wildest mind always tells me if my husband didn’t live in my house he would have thrown me away. He got the green card already, so actually, he doesn’t need me anymore. I bought the house by credit using my name. When I quit my professional job due to my second pregnancy, I got less income because I did a light casual job. I couldn’t pay the credit any more, so my husband took over it. I think, I still lucky because I got the house.
My children don’t know if they have a stepmother and siblings in Pakistan, but they noticed that their mother is miserable. I was so in love with my husband and it made me blind. I don’t want to be a selfish person who pretends that I’m fine; I confess that I regret my decision. When I reminded the time, I could see clearly that I had gotten so many warnings from my friends but I neglected it. I was worried and was not sure to marry him or not but my stupid feeling draged me to take a doubtful decision. I don’t want to blame anybody; I don’t want to blame my husband or his Pakistani family. What happened in my life is my mistake. I will not regret having wonderful children whom I have right now, but if I could turn back the time, I wish I could use my clear mind to take the decision instead of my blind feeling.
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