I am a British woman from Surrey, England. I had been through a traumatic and abusive divorce 10 years ago with a British man who was of desi origin, and figured that this time I would marry a foreign man in the hope that I won’t have the same bad experience I had with a local man. My family, friends, and everyone I spoke to, begged me not to marry a Pakistani, because they are well known for being abusers of women. I’ve also seen many stories where they abuse their own women, which is why Pakistani women are taking a stand against men and forming feminist groups in Pakistan. After meeting a Pakistani man from Lahore online 2 years ago, I quickly fell in love with his kind words and sweet messages. I thought he was a real gentleman and respectable. He proposed marriage within 6 days of speaking, but still, I wanted more time to get to know him before rushing into things.
After 2 years of speaking, I agreed to marry him. He said he wanted to come to my country because he hates his family and had many problems with them, so he wanted to be as far away from them as possible (I later found out this was a lie). He always used to call his mother and sister bitch and pussy. And of course, did that to me too after we married. During our 2 year relationship, he would always manipulate me into believing that he has no money because his father beats him up and steals all his money.
"He used to cry like a baby, and my heart used to break for him.
He also used to talk about
committing suicide."
If only I knew this was manipulation and lies. After crying his heart out and telling me he’d been thrown out of his parents house, he would ask me to send him money, which I always did. He would also ask me to send him fast foods and clothing which I used to order online with my credit card, and have the stores deliver it to his cousins' house for him to receive. Once he said he will get killed if he does not pay off his friends' debt and he urgently needs the money and that he would pay me back. I sent him the money, but he never paid me back for anything. All that time, I believed that he had been a victim of difficult circumstances in Lahore and that he really was a good person who would make a good partner. Yes, that makes me either stupid or vulnerable.
Anyway, when I was ready to marry him, I organized his British spousal visa, paid all the expenses, including immigration and lawyer fees. My family bought a house for us to live in, along with everything in it. At that point, my personal money was all finished and I had no money left to pay for his flight ticket to England. He told me not to worry, as his wealthy uncle is giving him the ticket as a wedding gift. That was a relief for me. He came to Surrey with no money and had a few torn pieces of clothing in his bag. At that time it was the end of the month, so luckily I received more money from my work to buy him some clothes and also pay for the marriage expenses at the government offices.
My family paid for our wedding reception, and also gave us some money to start our lives. His family sent nothing for me, no gifts either. We couldn’t go for a honeymoon, because of the COVID-19, and luckily because I didn’t really have the money for that at the time. About 8 days after the marriage, I realized I’ve been married to a scammer.
"He told me that his parents are demanding the money back for the flight ticket which they bought to send him to England to get married USD 900."
He said his uncle who gifted him the ticket took that money from his parents and now they are demanding it back. Of course, he wanted me to give that money since he had nothing in his pocket. He also said his father would send someone to kill me if I didn’t pay the money. I cried and begged him to understand I didn’t have that kind of money and I had so many household expenses to pay for each month until he could find a job. This became a huge problem in my marriage, as he started becoming violent, throwing my things on the floor and breaking my dishes. He also used to hit me if I didn’t give him cigarette money.
"He would swear at me and call me a whore!."
Before the marriage, he promised that he didn’t smoke, because I told him I was allergic to cigarette smoke. But after the marriage, I found that he was very addicted to it, and he smoked about 40 cigarettes a day. Along with this, he would demand other things which I couldn’t afford. He would always take out a knife and threaten to commit suicide if I didn’t give him more money. When I would go out to buy the groceries for cooking, and after I would return home to cook.
"He accused me of going out with other boys and sleeping with them,
putting false accusations that I was having an affair."
This really broke me into pieces. I never even kept male friends because in Islam that’s forbidden. I didn’t tell my family about my problems straight away, because I didn’t want them to worry about my safety. After 2 months I couldn’t take it any longer and I was losing my mind. I contacted a female lawyer and told her about my situation. She quickly ordered for an emergency divorce, and thanks to God within 3 days he was ordered to sign the divorce in front of the police and leave my house. This didn’t stop him from abusing me further. It has been a month since the divorce, and he cannot leave the country because of the travel ban. He also did not extend his visa, so he’s now illegal here. Immediately after the divorce, he took a 5-star holiday to central London for 15 days. Suddenly it occurred to me that he actually had money to stay at the 5-star Hilton hotel, and I will never know where that came from.
He is currently living with wealthy relatives here in Surrey, and he has been stalking me, sending me abusive letters, ruining my reputation in the community, and calling me a whore. I was kind enough not to call the police and get him brutally deported because I’m expecting him to leave soon on his own. The last thing I need is court battles, I just want to move on with my life and be at peace. He also got to contact my ex-husband from 10 years ago.
"Together, they made a lot of false accusations against me
and really made my name bad
in the community."
I had already suffered so much trauma with both marriages, and still, he continues to torment me. He also released a lot of private details about me and what we did in our bedroom while we were married.
"One thing I learnt is
to never trust a Pakistani man
with private information and pictures."
Especially about your past, as he will use this against you when things go wrong. He used to take pictures of me while I was sleeping, and is now posting it on social media. This has really been the most terrifying experience of my entire life and I really really really regret marrying him. This is the most horrible type of man, and I never knew these types of people existed until I married him, and especially after I divorced him.
He is now still threatening me and telling me that if I don’t take him back and if I don’t remarry him, that he will make more dirty stories about me to my community. I am not going to allow him to threaten me, because I will never take back such an abusive and disrespectful man, especially after everything I’ve done for him.
"I rather lose my reputation than lose my life or my sanity."
After many struggles that I faced, luckily, his spousal visa has been canceled because of my lawyer's plea. He will have to return home after the travel ban, otherwise, he will be deported immediately. I know with surety that he will continue to abuse me even when he goes back home. Up till now he demands money and says that I’m responsible for his expenses until he leaves the country. Over the 2 years and 2 months, my family and I lost about 7 million PKR on this man, because of all his expenses here in Surrey, and money that was sent to him in Lahore. He now constantly sends messages to my family cursing them and telling them that they will burn in hell for not funding his expenses for the rest of his life. I thank God for saving me from this scammer, abuser, and a pathological liar. Nobody’s daughter deserves to be used and abused this way, and May God protects all girls from such evil men.
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