"It’s hard for me to open my story to public.
After thinking for so long, I decided to share my story
so, other women can learn through my story.
Thus, other women don’t have to experience what already happened to me."
I met my Pakistani man by online and I will call him “M” in my story. “M” and I met several times in Malaysia because he worked there. He was a polite man and was a caring person. He seemed as a responsible and hard-working guy. Every time I visited Malaysia, he always treated me well. He paid my meals, drove me around and always made sure that I was fine and got what I needed. When our relationship was almost 1 year, we were ready to bring our relation further. Actually, he wanted to marry me in Malaysia but I insisted to get married in my country, Indonesia.
It was not easy for me to get him Indonesian visa because he is a Pakistani and Indonesia has very strict rule for Pakistani. After trying for 6 months and attending many trials, finally I could bring him to my country. He brought all documents for legal marriage under Islamic and Indonesian law. Following our wedding, I moved to Malaysia to stay with him for few months and then followed him to Pakistan due to his working contract ended.
My marriage life was wonderful until I landed my feet in Pakistan. When the first time we arrived, he and I stayed in his younger brother’s house who lives in Lahore. They were very nice family and had good hospitality. After few days, “M” told me that he would visit his mother in his hometown alone. I intended to go with him because I also wanted to meet his mother, but he said he had to fix some other things and would bring me with him to see his mother later. He thought that I would not comfortable to live in his hometown. His hometown is a very small city and lacks of facilities. Moreover, at that time was summer season in Pakistan. It was very hot and sometimes the electricity off. I agreed and I let him to visit his mother without me.
Since the beginning, “M” and I didn’t have plan to live with his mother in his hometown. We planned to live in big city like Lahore, Karachi or Islamabad. “M” would buy a new house for us because he had enough saving to buy a medium house in Pakistan. Then the time passed by and all planed are changed. “M” didn’t get any job, therefore we rent a house instead of buying the new one. Not only had the plan changed but also “M”’s behavior changed. Under unstable economy pressure, “M” became someone whom I never met. He get mad and insulted easily. I was trying to understand his situation and be more patient to deal with his temper. One day, he decided to move back to his hometown and stayed with his mother. I didn’t reject his plan, and I said to him I would not complain to live in small city as long as he always with me.
“M” is the eldest in his family, he has 2 married sisters, 1 married brother who lived in Lahore and 1 unmarried brother. His father passed away but he left a property in big city for his family. The mother puts the property on rent and uses the money to pay the bills. The mother lives with “M”’s unmarried youngest brother and a lady with 2 children. He told me that the lady is his cousin. She lives with them due to some family issues. His mother and youngest brother were so nice and welcomed me except his female cousin. Indeed, I don’t speak Urdu but I’m not blind, I can see everything around me. I became more suspicious with his cousin’s behavior and in short, I found out that his cousin is also his first wife.
"I was pregnant at that time.
Otherwise, I would have ran away
to my country straight away."
The fact that “M” has wife in Pakistan shocked me out. When “M” married me in Indonesia, he had affidavit letter, which certifies that he was a single man. When I talked to his youngest brother, I got to know that “M” married his cousin under sharia law and they never register the marriage at court. Most Pakistani especially the people in small city, they don’t aware about legal marriage under Pakistani law, for them get married under Islamic law is already enough.
While “M”’s financial became better because he could get a good job, my life was getting harder. The first wife whom also “M”’s cousin always tried to cause any trouble for me—from making the kitchen messy so I had to clean her mess; to throwing out my food from the fridge to the trash bin. She would act like innocent and made excuses to cover her bad behaviors toward me.
I knew that his cousin hated me a lot but she couldn’t do anything unless making a lot of trouble to me. “M” is the eldest son and everybody respect him. Furthermore, though the cousin is still their relative, and the mother loves her but her economy status is lower than “M”’s family. She completely has no power to against “M”’s family decision. Despite, the way the first wife treated me made my life in Pakistan harder, but the reality in front of me made me sick. I realized that I couldn’t live like this. “M” always stood by my side but I’m a woman and of course no matter I dislike the cousin’s behavior I do still have empathy to her.
"If I were a selfish woman, I would only think about my baby and myself,
but I’m NOT.
I have self-worth and I live with my principle."
I’m a Muslim and I understand in my religion—Islam allows polygamy. Nevertheless, I believe that polygamy has missions not only for man’s pleasure. Back to the past, many Prophet’s companions took more wife to help the widows who lost their husbands in battlefield. I do love “M” and I know he also loves our baby and me, but I never want to use this reason to stay in polygamous marriage. No matter how much the cousin annoyed me, I always put myself in her position. I believe marriage is form of the worships in Islam and Islam prohibits hurting someone in marriage.
I had been thinking about my decision for months and I was so grateful to have family who supported me in my country. I was waiting for my baby’s documents; after I got all the documents for my child, I flew back to my country and left my past marriage behind. I never come back to Pakistan. I yet still left my things there but my future life is more wroth than love and my things.
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